Lambak

Banyak nak cerita tapi as usual. Me and laziness parts never.

Ni nak sembang pasal sailing.
Esok ada trip bebudak. P sailing sampai khamis. Tadi aku tengok tentatif macam almost semua nya kelas.
Yang survival punya cuma sekali je.
Means diorang cuma perlu lompat ke laut sehari je.

Students 14 orang.
Lecturers maybe dua orang je.
Pengiring pompuan (aku) sorang je.

So kalo class dari pagi sampai malam maka aku nak berfungsi sebagai apa? Mannequin? 

Kali ni aku rasa aku pergi bercuti ni. Free cruise. Masuk kelas memang tak la kan. Kahkahkah. Masuk la jugak tapi takde la nak ngadap sampai habis. So serious memang aku rasa aku pegi ni untuk bercuti. Padahal aku manjang je cuti.

Khamis minggu lepas (13 - 14/11) aku kat Langkawi. Attend sampling budak budak. Gila macam lunyai badan aku. Hari khamis 2 kali pergi balik dari laut. Hari jumaat 2 kali pergi balik. Hari sabtu sekali. So total adalah 5 x 2 (pergi dan balik) = 10kali trip. Pastu sabtu tengahari dah check out. Merempat kat jetty sebab tiket pukul 5. Balik dari Langkawi pulak ombak beralun. Gila nak termuntah aku. Hahahaha. Tapi tak muntah pun. Aku uwek uwekkan kat orang sebelah. Hahahahahahaha. Nasib kau la Hanif. Panik dia. Takut aku muntah atas dia. Hahaha.

Sampai kampus sabtu tu dah pukul 8 malam. Pastu ahad tu rehat sehari. Esoknya isnin ada kursus basic safety training. Dari pagi sampai petang. Selasa ada sea survival and fire drill budak budak. Pun balik malam.

Rabu p klinik sebab badan aku dah naik bintat besar gila. Banyak pulak tu. Aku rasa sebab motel kat langkawi tu. Pastu kena inject. Pastu ngantuk ngantuk pun drive ke pusat akuatik nun kat Gunung Keriang sana sebab aku tertinggal baju basah aku kat sana. Ada spender. Sebab tu kena amik. Kahkahkah. Aku drive sambil tdo. Ngantuk kena inject.

Pastu khamis ada kelas dari pagi sampai petang. Jumaat terbangun lambat so xmasuk lab. Terus moody. Perut and pinggang pun sakit. Jadahnya la tetibe je kan.

Weekend rehat. Esok dah sailing.
Seriously macam berjalan je keje aku bulan ni. Huhuhu.

Ok dah lah. Nak solat.
Bertabahlah dengan entry lambak ni. Semua gamble masuk sekali.
Oh ye nanti aku ada cte tragis nak cite. Kahkahkah. Tapi nanti lah.

K bye.

Mengantuk

Aku adalah manusia yang tak dapat dipisahkan dari mengantuk. Sesekali kalo datang rasa mengantuk, bukan calang calang. Tambah pulak kalo jenis yang mengantuk kat kepala. Bukan kat mata. Rasa macam kepala mengantuk. Pastu menguap bagai nak dislocate jaw. Tapi mata tak ngantuk sangat.

Tu jadi kalu, sambil drive pun aku mampu terlelap. Apatah lagi kalo dalam jamban. Takat jamban duduk tu apalah sangat. Jamban cangkung pun aku boleh lelap. Tengah tahiyyat/sujud pun kadang aku lelap.

Kalo tahan jugak mata xnak tdo, lepastu karang ada lah yang guna shampoo sebagai sabun, langgar pintu atm, makan nasi tapi amik cawan, tahiyyat akhir baca doa qunut, terlupa tahiyyat akhir, terlebih rakaat solat, orang cakap A aku dengar B. Tu biasaaaaaa.

Tu namanya unik. Yang unik itu rare. Yang rare tu istimewa. Yang istimewa tu beautiful. Yang beautiful tu aku lah. Kahkahkah.

Buli

Aku baru tengok video yang kes buli tu. Tu pun tengok kat berita tv9 tadi.

Now aku faham kenapa mother mother yang tengok video tu bengang. Serius. Aku yang tengok pun gila sakit hati. Aku rasa kalo la jadi kat adik adik or anak anak aku, lunyai pembuli tu aku kejekan. Parents hantar asrama bukan untuk ko buli or jadikan kuli.

Come on la.
Ni aku mula nak bermulut *tangan* jahat ni.
Yang kes kat Asrama Anak Yatim tu, apahal ko?
Sedar diri sikit boleh? Ko kat asrama ANAK YATIM. Ko patut lebih sensitif issue ni. Jangan sebab ko takde mak bapak untuk say itu salah ini salah, maka ko beranggapan tiap kesalahan ko tu tak salah.

Sebab tu Tuhan bagi ko akal. DIA tak bagi ko parents untuk bagitau mana betul mana salah tapi ko dah cukup besar untuk utilizekan otak ko tu. Tapi sayang, ko pilih untuk tak guna akal tu. Ko pilih untuk jadi bangang. Yang boarding school tu pun sama. Belajar dah tempat bagus, tapi malangnya tertinggal otak kat kelas prep agaknya. Tu yang tak pikir bila nak buli kaw2. Ni namanya belajar pandai pandai tapi bodo berkati kati.

Seyes aku cakap, kalo jadi kat family aku, headlines tu akan jadi "Pembuli dipukul sehingga.nyawa nyawa ikan oleh keluarga mangsa". Pastu gambar aku antara yang terpampang sebab join sekali bantai si pembuli.

Salah satu sebab aku emosi adalah sebab benda tu salah. Sangat salah. Dan menyakitkan mangsa.
Satu lagi adalah sebab aku pun pernah jadi mangsa buli for 5 years. Cuma aku bukan physically abused/bullied. Aku was tortured mentally. Diorang *boys* taknak kawan aku. Salah satu sebabnya adalah nama aku pelik. Macam haremjad je kan? Pastu did the name calling yang aku tak suka.

Lantak lah. Walaupun sesungguhnya i'm scarred for life. Moga satu hari nanti aku ikhlas nak maafkan. Saat ni, masih belum mampu.

JPJ

Sejak JPJ start operasi ni, nk kua dengan kete pun pikir dua kali. Aku tak salahkan JPJ..aku paham diorang implement dasar/law gomen kita. Dan aku mengaku salah aku sebab eksyen taknak tinted biasa. Lagi nak tambah gelap ada la. Tapi bawak bawak la bertenang dulu. Biar habis operasi dulu.

Tapi yang aku nak question ni ada satu benda. Tak tau lah kot aku je yang bangang tak paham proses ke apa kan. Tadi aku renew lesen..and since cip kat ic aku corrupt, peg tu amik gambar baru. Tapi sesungguhnya bila tengok gambar yang diambil tu, macam berbakul je caci maki nak keluar.

Seyes gambar buruk nak mamps.
Aku tau la aku pun takde la cantik tapi kenapa gambar tu jadi begitu? Kalo buat ic kat JPN, they'll guide u. Bagitau tunduk ke, chin up ke, teleng le kiri ke kanan ke. Ni, nan ado.

Gmbar aku jd kelam macam ko snap gambar time malam. Pastu eih buruk lah. Camera tu ko place lower than customers's height n masa snap ko nampak gmbar tu. Why dont u guide? Sumpah memang buruk. Aku rasa kalo ada roadblock lps ni, JPJ akan pandang aku n lesen tu silih berganti.

So tell me one thing.
Adakah polisi dia amik gambar paling buruk untuk renew lesen?
Atau polisi nya "ehh lantak kau lah gambar kau buruk. Sape suh xadjust sendiri kedudukan muka? Pepandai ko lah"?

Sakit ati aku tengok lesen tu.

Takpe. Mari bersangka baik.
Barangkali dia tak reti bab gambar.
Barangkali dia jeles aku cantik so dia buat gambar aku jd buruk.

Kak, tell u what.
Saya ni memang cantik since birth. Akak buat gambar sy buruk pun, saya tetap jelita hakikatnya.
It's just a fact u cant easily swallow hah?

Wakakaka.

I'm a bad fren

For the past few days, i've been hoping and praying that i wouldnt bump into him. And today, i bumped into him. I guess i havent been praying wholeheartedly.

That "him" wasnt my boyfren. I didnt have any. But my good fren. Or should i say my used-to-be-good fren? Dont know.. How hard can this be that i cant even accept the truth that i'm a bad, horrible, not valuable friend?

We were quite close before. Were. But then day by day, the distance seems further. So was the gap between us. I've been wondering why. What wrong did i do.. Then he said to me "kita kawan biasa2 je lah.kwn lbh2 nnti gado je.penat lah camni.awk asyik ckp benda bukan bukan je".. That was like a wake up call for me. And that answered my question.

It was my fault..
My fault..

I really am the type who like to cari gaduh. I found fun in it. I felt like everytime we got into fight *or dispute*, we'd turn out to be closer than we were. I didnt always see our fight as a real fight..or even when i talk rubbish.. U know how a woman yg mengada ngada and at the end she'll be like "yeayy. Org dh menang!"? Its not about the fight.. Hurm. I didnt know how to explain this.. But i blame myself. I blame myself that i didnt give myself the chance to let us know each other more. We texted more than we met. And how on earth did I expect him to know how i really was kan? Silly me.

That night when he said that, honestly at first i felt so devastated. I cried. But only for few minutes. It's like my own tears was betraying me. I wanted to cry..to let go of every sadness and emptiness i felt.. But i just couldnt. And that sadness was just suppressed deep within me..and that hurts even more.

Then i decided to respect his decision. To accept the fact that everything was my fault.. But the next day he texted me a good night wish.. And it breaks my heart again. I was honestly super sad. He wanted to be a biasa2 fren and a biasa2 fren will not text u a good night wish.. Just like he did when he was still my good fren..

I've been forcing myself hard to accept the truth that we are no longer fren. Not anymore. But still, i missed him. I really do. And that is painful that i cant even tell anyone about it. I cant share it with anyone. I couldnt find the right words to do so.

A fren can be a lover.
But a lover can never be fren.

Same here.
A biasa2 fren can be a good fren.
But once we are good fren, u can never be a so so fren. I just cant.
It felt like how on earth can i change the way i see a good fren to a not-good-fren? I just cant..
U cant just come into my life, be my good fren..and suddenly u said that u no longer wanted to be one. Macam mana nak cakap ehh.. Bila org minta utk drop their relationship to a "lower" (in this case, from good fren to biasa2 fren) one, rasa macam there's no such thing for me. Be with me. Or leave me.

And that was why i always prayed that i wouldnt bump into him. No matter how hard i denied, i still miss him and the pain of parting is incredibly torturing. I didnt even want to look at his car pun. It reminded me of him. Let alone when i saw him. Rasa sedih sangat. Rasa sedih bila pikir "we used to be fren..and now, we arent".. Rasa macam semua rasa sedih yg suppressed kat dalam ni terhambur keluar. I saw him this morning and i pretended not to see. Truth is, i saw him..and i almost cried again.

Allah. Lend me some strength.
Strength to respect his decision.
Strength to part from him.
Strength to be tough enough.
Strength to act normal when i see him.
Strength to forget..

I used to have this good fren.
He is more than just fren. Not my boyfren. But a good close fren.
I used to have him.

And now i lose this good fren.
Because i am just a horrible fren who knows shit about being a good fren to others.

Maybe, he was my good fren to me.
But i wasnt a good fren to him.

Allahurabbi.

Sedih

tetiap orang ada cara nak sooth kan perasaan lepas end a relationship.
as for me, aku rasa aku lagi selesa untuk salahkan diri aku sendiri. i know that hurts so much. tapi for me, put all the blame on the other party adalah lagi painful. painful dengan air mata.

Bila blame diri sendiri, aku memang akan rasa sedih. Sedih sebab aku yang salah. And to know that i could've done better, it breaks my heart even more..
Tapi bila blame the other party, i tend to hold grudge against him.. I may hate him. I may hurt myself even more by questioning myself.. "kenapa la sampai hati buat aku cenggini bla bla bla". That sadden me more.

Not that i'm saying that blaming myself would hurt less. No. Not at all. In fact, it could've hurt more. But to make sure i'd have no regrets upon holding grudge towards him and wondering why this that so so, i choose to hurt myself. Just myself.

How hard can this be to only explain. If u're going through it, or have been through it, only then u'd understand.

Sebenarnya sebalik semua ni ada benda aku nak cite. But since mood tetibe went down, save it je lah. Aku pun rasanya better tdo awal sebelum aku cengeng lagi. Kahkahkah.

Aku yang sedih.

Promises

U know things with promises? That u dont make one u dont intend to keep.. And if u promise, u have to keep? Tau?

Tapi aku rasa macam aku buat kesilapan. Not that i made a promise..cuma macam mana ye nak cakap..it feels like i made one. Memang la takde cakap "i promise that this so so so" but the way i act seemed to be promising something..

Then i had this wake up call thing once and terus rasa macam nak lempang diri sendiri for that silly mistakes i did. How on earth would i be so sure back then.. I must have lost my sanity that time.

Now tak tau nak buat camna.