#survive day 1

Aku tengah dalam process nak mengurangkan carbohydrates intake dan memperbanyakkan makan buah yang ada banyak vitamin untuk fight ketumbuhan.

Aku ada breast lump. Benign tumor je. Tapi sakit. Bengkak. Dan ketumbuhan tu dah menekan saraf tangan kiri aku. Kata Doc, sepatutnya tak menyakitkan dan tak perlu operate. But now dah menyakitkan, press saraf dan considering family history yang ada cancer, memang kena operate.

Now kena kurangkan carbs intake sebab nanti energy/fat dari carbs akan worsen condition breast lump.

So lets slowly start changing my diet. Hari hari makan buah, dan makan nasi sedikit sekali sehari.

Now day 1, makan ikan je seekor, and buah 5 6 potong.

Terliur tengok nasi.

posted from Bloggeroid

That woman.

There was a woman, who had a friend. Kind of good, in her circle's friend.
The friendship remained till there was a huge fight, misunderstanding.

That woman, at her end of the frenship, cried out way too much.. at her deepest deep, lowest low. The friend said it was the woman's fault. And the woman didn't even remember the day that happened.. what the woman felt was emptiness, frustration of the way the friend treated her.

She cried, she really did. Badly.
She was hurt, she really was. Badly.

The pain she felt was so intense, that when she saw the friend, she could even pretend that the person she saw was just a complete stranger.

It went just like that, for months.
Then there was a day, they were in a same session for a presentation. The woman, as usual, pretended she didn't see him. Or maybe worst. She didnt even smile at the friend. She didn't even look at the friend. After the session, that friend texted her.. saying how he wanted to be friend again, to be just as they were before.

How hard more could that be for the woman? She's been trying hard to act normal, to forget that she once knew that friend.. but deep there, she knew she wanted to be friend again, but she couldn't bear the risk of another pain the friend would leave. She was wondering, whether or not she could accept the friendship, again. Through all the texts, they were better than a stranger, they texted, but never speaks in person. How would she have that courage?

They texted, but the woman was never in any intention of speaking to the friend, or smiling, or caring. Everytime she saw the friend, the only feeling she could felt was hatred. The most evil hatred. She forgave the friend, but not even once did she tolerate of forgetting what had happened.

Yeah. She was holding grudge. And she still is. She found joy in hurting the friend. She didn't even care anymore. To her, he was just an imaginary friend. That could never harm her. That would never hurt her.

She didn't even want to care.
That friend wanted to cheat? Carry on. She didn't mind at all. Why would she? Not that the friend was in her circle, not that the friend was her friend.

All she saw in the friend was somebody who made her cried, and there is possibility that it would again happen.

And today, the woman realise.. why did she accept the friend's friendship.. being able to have an imaginary friend was one thing.. but there was another reason.

Yes. The hatred. The grudge.
And now she understands more.
More about herself.
More about not caring about others.

And I understand her.
She is that kind of woman.

That woman is me.

posted from Bloggeroid

Tolong

Apsal la susah sangat nak lawan rasa malas ni. Pastu mental sorang sorang sebab diri sendiri malas.

Tadi aku scroll newsfeed kat fb, nampak status kawan aku pasal kerja diorang, lepastu aku rasa stress. Sebab aku kan belum keje lagi.

Tolong lah berubah wei. Tolong lah rajin.
Ni nak buka buku dah la liat, dah buka buku mula mengantuk la apa la. Tolong lah somebody tampar muka aku, hentak kepala aku kat meja study so aku sedar diri sikit.

posted from Bloggeroid

#497

Rule #497.

My friend is not your friend.
Your friend is not my friend.

So, u, seeing me talking to my 30+ years old fren using "aku hang, I You, saya awak" doesnt mean u may do so too.

Just remember, that person is my friend, have some respect for the age gap and please, dont just simply drop the formalities. If u're in position of having age gap with my fren, please, kindly address him/her as abang/kakak/aunty/uncle. We may be so close that we could drop the formalities but u, it may be a long harsh thorny road ahead.

Well, unless u, me and that person are already fren. That, of course is another story.

posted from Bloggeroid

Terasa tak rasa rasa

Pernah tak, rasa seolah olah terasa sangat, sampai satu tahap dah tak rasa apa. Jadi pape yang buat kau terasa pun, kau macam "oh?eh?okay". Pernah?

Aku pernah je.
Ada la rasa pelik. Tapi aku punya rasa tak rasa pape tu lagi dominan so basically, aku tak rasa pape. Gitu.

Susah kan nak cakap.
Nak taip pun susah.

posted from Bloggeroid

Bella

I'm adopting a kitty.
One of members in the Kucing Parsi and DLH something posted in the group, saying she and her fren found the kitty in a super huge longkang, yesterday. They took her home, cleaned her and took care of her for a night. Then this morning I saw their post in the group so I didnt think twice *sigh* and I decided to adopt her.

Bought new cage, litter, litter box. I already have the kibbles and the milk, that two kind girls gave it when they handed me the kitty.

I named her Bella. I kinda liked that name.
And Bella now is trying hard to adapt to her new home I guess, screaming on top of her lung everytime I put her in the cage. I had to. I need to train her to use the litter box well, so she wont be yelled at when she poo or pee all over the house. Trust me, i'm soooo not good in controlling my anger, i'll just yell at her later if she do that.

The hardest time when having a cat is when they are still in learning process. First 3 4 months are a bit challenging. Back in Terengganu, my kittens below than 4 months kept getting on my nerve. They are all outdoor cats but still, of all the time and places, they chose to pee or poo behind the sofa, when they are indoor. Every single time. And sometimes it took me (most of the time my mother) to clean it up almost 5 times a day.

But then when they're older, that habit just pooffff, disappear!

Back to Bella's now.
She's been screaming. Refuse to stay in the cage. Tossing the litter out. Sleep in her litter box. Pushing her face out.

Only been 8 hours being with her and it feels like i'm losing it. I really am. Why the heck did I adopt her when they are lots of other volunteers willing to? Oh well yeah, because i've been longing for a little kitty for quite some time.

It feels good to have her. Except for the scream. And her throwing tantrums.

And honestly, it suddenly feels like i'm carrying a big responsibility.

Guess what I said to her just now?
"Bella, peranfai tu tolong elok sikit. I bagi u mass seminggu je. Buat perangai lagi, u jadi anak tiri I. I bagi u kat orang nanti"

Yeahh it' mean.
I know. Just that I cant stand the scream.
Please adapt urself asap.
Please please please stop screaming.
Or else, i'll be screaming along.

#pic is Bella, staring at me when I first took her tadi. Dia tenung sampai teleng teleng kepala. Pastu bising jugak. Bingit ah kau. Hahahahahaha ok tak klaka.

posted from Bloggeroid

Complicated

Selalu nampak post lawak lawak, happy, marah marah tak bermakna orang tu happy je manjang. Tak bermakna dia tak sedih. Tak bermakna dia tak depressed.

Kadang sebenarnya rasa macam malas.
Kadang rasa macam depressed.
Tak lalu makan, tdo pun terjaga jaga, mimpi manjang la asyik nak kena bunuh, tak nak jumpa orang, tak nak sembang dengan orang, dengar cerita orang pun rasa nak terbalikkan kerusi meja semua.

I thought I was just ok.
Until I saw a post about depression.
I had it once. This feeling kinda feel like it.
But most of the time, I feel like i'm ok kot.
But at some of the time, I dont feel ok.

posted from Bloggeroid