I'm a bad fren

For the past few days, i've been hoping and praying that i wouldnt bump into him. And today, i bumped into him. I guess i havent been praying wholeheartedly.

That "him" wasnt my boyfren. I didnt have any. But my good fren. Or should i say my used-to-be-good fren? Dont know.. How hard can this be that i cant even accept the truth that i'm a bad, horrible, not valuable friend?

We were quite close before. Were. But then day by day, the distance seems further. So was the gap between us. I've been wondering why. What wrong did i do.. Then he said to me "kita kawan biasa2 je lah.kwn lbh2 nnti gado je.penat lah camni.awk asyik ckp benda bukan bukan je".. That was like a wake up call for me. And that answered my question.

It was my fault..
My fault..

I really am the type who like to cari gaduh. I found fun in it. I felt like everytime we got into fight *or dispute*, we'd turn out to be closer than we were. I didnt always see our fight as a real fight..or even when i talk rubbish.. U know how a woman yg mengada ngada and at the end she'll be like "yeayy. Org dh menang!"? Its not about the fight.. Hurm. I didnt know how to explain this.. But i blame myself. I blame myself that i didnt give myself the chance to let us know each other more. We texted more than we met. And how on earth did I expect him to know how i really was kan? Silly me.

That night when he said that, honestly at first i felt so devastated. I cried. But only for few minutes. It's like my own tears was betraying me. I wanted to cry..to let go of every sadness and emptiness i felt.. But i just couldnt. And that sadness was just suppressed deep within me..and that hurts even more.

Then i decided to respect his decision. To accept the fact that everything was my fault.. But the next day he texted me a good night wish.. And it breaks my heart again. I was honestly super sad. He wanted to be a biasa2 fren and a biasa2 fren will not text u a good night wish.. Just like he did when he was still my good fren..

I've been forcing myself hard to accept the truth that we are no longer fren. Not anymore. But still, i missed him. I really do. And that is painful that i cant even tell anyone about it. I cant share it with anyone. I couldnt find the right words to do so.

A fren can be a lover.
But a lover can never be fren.

Same here.
A biasa2 fren can be a good fren.
But once we are good fren, u can never be a so so fren. I just cant.
It felt like how on earth can i change the way i see a good fren to a not-good-fren? I just cant..
U cant just come into my life, be my good fren..and suddenly u said that u no longer wanted to be one. Macam mana nak cakap ehh.. Bila org minta utk drop their relationship to a "lower" (in this case, from good fren to biasa2 fren) one, rasa macam there's no such thing for me. Be with me. Or leave me.

And that was why i always prayed that i wouldnt bump into him. No matter how hard i denied, i still miss him and the pain of parting is incredibly torturing. I didnt even want to look at his car pun. It reminded me of him. Let alone when i saw him. Rasa sedih sangat. Rasa sedih bila pikir "we used to be fren..and now, we arent".. Rasa macam semua rasa sedih yg suppressed kat dalam ni terhambur keluar. I saw him this morning and i pretended not to see. Truth is, i saw him..and i almost cried again.

Allah. Lend me some strength.
Strength to respect his decision.
Strength to part from him.
Strength to be tough enough.
Strength to act normal when i see him.
Strength to forget..

I used to have this good fren.
He is more than just fren. Not my boyfren. But a good close fren.
I used to have him.

And now i lose this good fren.
Because i am just a horrible fren who knows shit about being a good fren to others.

Maybe, he was my good fren to me.
But i wasnt a good fren to him.

Allahurabbi.

Sedih

tetiap orang ada cara nak sooth kan perasaan lepas end a relationship.
as for me, aku rasa aku lagi selesa untuk salahkan diri aku sendiri. i know that hurts so much. tapi for me, put all the blame on the other party adalah lagi painful. painful dengan air mata.

Bila blame diri sendiri, aku memang akan rasa sedih. Sedih sebab aku yang salah. And to know that i could've done better, it breaks my heart even more..
Tapi bila blame the other party, i tend to hold grudge against him.. I may hate him. I may hurt myself even more by questioning myself.. "kenapa la sampai hati buat aku cenggini bla bla bla". That sadden me more.

Not that i'm saying that blaming myself would hurt less. No. Not at all. In fact, it could've hurt more. But to make sure i'd have no regrets upon holding grudge towards him and wondering why this that so so, i choose to hurt myself. Just myself.

How hard can this be to only explain. If u're going through it, or have been through it, only then u'd understand.

Sebenarnya sebalik semua ni ada benda aku nak cite. But since mood tetibe went down, save it je lah. Aku pun rasanya better tdo awal sebelum aku cengeng lagi. Kahkahkah.

Aku yang sedih.

Promises

U know things with promises? That u dont make one u dont intend to keep.. And if u promise, u have to keep? Tau?

Tapi aku rasa macam aku buat kesilapan. Not that i made a promise..cuma macam mana ye nak cakap..it feels like i made one. Memang la takde cakap "i promise that this so so so" but the way i act seemed to be promising something..

Then i had this wake up call thing once and terus rasa macam nak lempang diri sendiri for that silly mistakes i did. How on earth would i be so sure back then.. I must have lost my sanity that time.

Now tak tau nak buat camna.