hilang semangat sungguh

life has been quite hard lately. or should i say, harder and tougher?

i'm not sighing, let alone to not bersyukur for what i had all these while. cuma rasa letih.

i fell sick.AGAIN.

last week, 8th of April, the pain was often, and harder than before. i mean, not that i have not gone through the pain before but it hurts much more. pain in the intimate area, my back, my tummy, my everything in between back and the intimate area hurts. i went to clinic for more than five times, for the pain and it ended up, doctors have no idea at all. they were all suspecting me to have endometriosis. dont ask what is it, go and google it yourself. 

ok now back to 8th April story, i went to clinic UiTM alone. my housemates were busy so i tried driving alone. the pain tak sakit sangat and i could still bear it. tapi bila tengah tunggu doctor, the pain was wilder and often. they knew i am allergic to Voltran and that was the best painkillers they had, they were left with no option other than sending me to hospital. so terdampar kat sana sorang sorang, kena inject with Pethidine (ye kot ejaannya), masuk air semua..and ubat tu memang bawah sket dari morphine kalau tak salah aku la..so ended up doing a zig zag walking dalam wad emergency tu. 

my housemates, Meza, Ummi and Ina went to fetch me sebab aku memang tak boleh drive dah..much thanks to them. malam tu jugak, my family went to Arau and took me home.

dah seminggu dah la dekat rumah ni.

dah 3 orang pakar aku jumpa.

Pakar Bedah Am, Pakar Sakit Puan and Pakar Tulang..scan 4 kali, xray, still jawapan sama jugak.tak tau.

and u guys know what, the last thing i've wanted to hear from a doctor is "saya tak tahu la nak buat macam mana"..eh, aku dah la sakit, jumpa kau dengan HARAPAN kau boleh tolong, so boleh tak kau jangan putuskan harapan aku yang dah tinggal nyawa nyawa ayam ni?

dah takde idea sangat agaknya, p bantai aku ada tendonitis. tendon aku terkoyak katanya. 

tapi that was just a possibility.

aku pun tak faham macam mana dari sakit puan yang aku alami boleh disebabkan oleh tendon yang terkoyak?

takkan la aku nak cerita details pasal sakit puan tu kan?

sebab sangat tak logic la. aku tau aku bukannya doctor tapi apa kaitannya?

contohnya macam ni lah, kau punya bahagian sulit tu sakit, discharge abnormal, sakit, rasa luka, perut sakit, period lewat, perut bertambah buncit tapi semua tu disebabkan tendon yang terkoyak?tendon tu kat atas paha pulak tu..kalo if involve hormon memang la ada logicnya..

ish tak reti lah hai nak explain.

mood aku pun jadi tak berapa nak ok dah

hari hari nak marah je.

semua benda aku marah, handphone, remote, pun dah selamat aku baling ke lantai.

i hate it.

aku banyak lagi kerja tertangguh.

nak duduk lama pun tak larat. berjalan pun tak leh lama.

asik la berbaring aje.

ni tengah menaip ni pun tetibe mood aku kacau bilau lagi ni.

dah la. karang aku baling laptop ni ke dinding lak kang.