Tetiba

I missed him. Out of blue. I really do. I missed that moments when we were strangers and still malu malu.

Allah.
Let him feels this feeling.
Let him knows how much i miss him.

Allah.
Sekiranya benar aku untuknya, ghaibkan lah aku dari pandangan cinta lelaki yang cuba mengalih rasa ku untuknya. Zahirkan aku pada pandangan MHJ.
Sekiranya benar dia untukku, ghaibkan lah dia dari pandangan cinta perempuan yang cuba mengalih rasa nya untukku. Zahirkan dia pada pandanganku.

Namun sekiranya dia bukan untukku..dan bukan pula aku untuknya, ghaibkan lah perasaan kami terhadap satu sama lain.
Redhakan lah aku. Kerana sesungguhnya aku tau aku akan sangat terluka dan kecewa. Pegang dan bimbing aku di jalan Mu supaya tidak aku terpaling. Ikhlaskan aku.

Allahu Rabbi.

Alone

Aku dah kat Arau. Alone. Sebelum datang sink kemain lagi takut la, cuak la. Ehh mengada kan ko. Macam la tak pernah duk sorang. Housemates aku semua tengah cuti sem. Aku dah cuti 3 minggu so bawak bawak la bertaubat. Marilah kembali ke Arau.

Malam sebelum datang sini, aku tengok cite Paku kat Prima tu. Tu yang melampau sangat takut. Pastu sebab hantu hantu dah mula nak melawat lawat balik..itu yang lemah. Kikiki. Sampai sini semalam, rumah bersepah. Dah lah tengah hujan, ribut bagai dengan penat drive. Aku drive lama gila. 9 jam nak nyampai. Selalu 7 8 jam camtu. Aku rasa tak sedap ati semalam so bawak pelan je. Dalam bawak pelan tu pun macam macam jadi. Tu kalo rajin nanti aku cite len.

Aku dah berdebar debar. Sebab aku yang last balik cuti haritu and rumah memang dah neat kan. Ni bersepah. Adik aku dah balik rumah sewa dia dah. Aku bukak pintu rumah luas luas. Bukak lampu kete. Cari pisau lipat aku. Misplace mama tah dalam kete. So armed with a pepper spray, masuk jugak check pintu dapur semua. Sebab sebelum ni dah 2 kali kena umpil pintu tu. Alhamdulillah takde kesan umpil. Tapi pelik gak la.kotak tu berat kot. Camna boleh tebarai dengan buku dalam tu semua.

So lepas dah check semua, angkut barang n panaskan bekal yang bawak dari kampung, kemas sket sket terus tdo. Takde pulak rasa takut hantu tu. Gamaknya penat kot. Tapi pagi tadi elok je terjaga awal. Takut ke tak le minta penampar ko niii.

Haritu, takut satu hal.. kemain sedih nak datang sini tu satu hal. Cuti lagi lelama. Masa salam n cium abah, mata dah berair. Ehh drama. Haha.

Now, i think i'm enjoying this. Macam sebelum ni. Duk sorang sorang. I have the whole house to myself. Pastu sunyi je. Cuma takde kawan sembang la kan. Tapi takpe. Disebabkan aku suka cakap sorang sorang, lets treasure the moment. Cakap dengan diary aku ni pun kategori talking alone gak kan?

They said..i said..

Stop looking for partners, they said. Go after ur career, ur future. The right person will come after u. So they said again.

But some said, "u cant ditch these whole partners, marriage thing. Its not cool for girls to get married late and so so so".

Well. I can do both.
Priority to my future. Provided that my partners participate in giving me the support i needed. So i have both. Partner and career. But now it is just a matter of time. I may get this first and that later. And vice versa. Oh my. How complicated more can this be.

One thing for sure.
I didnt find Mr.MHJ.
It just happened.
And what i do is keep praying and hoping that he is the one for me. Praying that he'll stick by my side.
Hoping that he's mine as much as i'm his.

The heck was i babbling.
Screw it.
Gdnite.

High Pitch

Abah tengah marah adik aku yang bongsu. Sebabnya, tak makan ubat. Abah dah belikan ubat, pergi berubat sana sini tapi dia takde nak hargai. Bila dah start marah, memang berlarutan la.

Aku ni jenis yang penakut bab ni. Walaupun bukan aku yang kena marah, tapi aku rasa takut gila bila dengar suara abah tinggi. Abah aku marah tak macam orang lain. Takde pukul pukul. Tapi ntah lah.

Aku takut kalo aku sama kena marah.
Aku takut kalo aku tetiba kena jugak.
Aku takut sebab aku rasa aku ada salah..salah aku sebab tak complete lagi MSc aku. Dah setahun lebih. Aku lambat progress.
Aku takut kalo dia tak redha.

Aku takut. Dan aku tak suka ada dalam suasana camtu. Sebab aku banyak spend masa alone so bila tetiba dengar high pitch pnya suara, kaki automatik menggigil and sejuk.

Allah. Lancarkan lah segala urusan aku. Rajinkan lah aku yang selalu malas ni.

3am..

It's 3am now.. Watching those horror movies from Thailand and The Conjuring 'taught' me one same thing..which was as 3am, ghost are actively doing their whatsoever things..means, they are most active and powerful during that time. Being me, of course i can't not believe it. Haha. Ofcourse laa believe kan, I am such a scaredy cat.

But now, its 3am. And I am awake. And I am not scared. Because I am not alone. At hospital now. My younger brother is in the treatment zone *or whatever it's called*. My dad is on his way here. Me and my brother? Ambulance lerr. Sometimes naik ambulance ni yang sihat boleh sakit.

My brother (Apih) may have some sleepover at hospital. Orang sleep over kat rumah kawan, kau taknak kalah. Nak kawan dengan dokter dokter. Hoihh. He was diagnosed with batu karang in his both kidneys. He knocked my door around 2 earlier..asking for some painkillers. I gave him and the meds didnt seem to sooth the pain. And he ended up crying.

We (me and my abah) brought him to clinic and they transferred him to hospital. And here I am, waiting. With an upset tummy. And back ache.

Hope everything goes well.